Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
