remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
