i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
