worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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