I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
