my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
