he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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