I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I need help removing her.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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