You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
