I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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