Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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