It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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