my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
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