so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
