My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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