Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
