I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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