My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
