how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
