A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
