question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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