i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
this hospital has no fireball
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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