Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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