I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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