Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
