Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize
