I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
