life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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