nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Randomize
