just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
