Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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