yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
