So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
