Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
