Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
These tits shall not be calmed
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
