Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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