Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
