My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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