Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
