After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
