grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
