i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
