New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
send nudes
from the living room?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
