if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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