new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
