I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
