she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
