i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
