its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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