I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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