I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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