i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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