I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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