i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
