i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
