walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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