Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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