My liver just broke up with me...
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
just found out that she named her cat after me.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Randomize
