Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
