Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize