This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize