My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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