Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Randomize
