I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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