I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize