I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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