So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
