woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
tell me about the eggs
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
