I can text with my tongue
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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