Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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