Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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