i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
