why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
