Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize