I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
