I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
