I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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